she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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