thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
and she was petting her beer can
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
