He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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