In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
