Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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