If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
