I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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