It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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