Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
