he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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