between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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