I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
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I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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