Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
