Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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