I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
