And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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