there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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