I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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