i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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