I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
