Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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