Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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