I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize