I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
