Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
