I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
