when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
try to milk me bitch
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