Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
