...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
