We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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