Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
