eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
