every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
