i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
the raccoons are back...
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