Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
