I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
