If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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