I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
