I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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