don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
