Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
