our cab driver is having phone sex.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
