How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
