did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
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I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
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It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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