the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Hippo gnu deer
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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