you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
