It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
