i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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