Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
