He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
