She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He is an equal opportunity slut.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
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yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
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He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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