how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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