If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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