Whod you bang
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
