She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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