remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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