So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i was born a porn star she said
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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