i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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