I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
