I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can't put those talents on a resume
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
