Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
