??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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